Jokes about Jews

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Q: Why is money green?

A: Because the Jews pick it before it's ripe. Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?

A: Free pork. Q: How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?

A: The players don't yell "FORE!", they yell "$3.99!" Q: How was the Grand Canyon formed?

A: A Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole. Q: How do you say "Fuck you" in Jewish?

A: "Trust me." Q: How can you tell the Jewish mother-in-law at a wedding?

A: She's the one on her hands and knees picking up the rice. Q: Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?

A: They'd never let anyone finish a sentence. Q: Why are synagogues circular?

A: So the congregation can't hide in the corner when the collection plate goes around. Q: What's the difference between Jews and canoes?

A: Canoes tip. Q: Did you hear about the queer Jew?

A: He likes girls more than money. Have you heard about the Jewish sports-car? Not only will it stop on a dime, it will turn around and pick it up. Q: Why do Jews have such big noses?

A: Because air is free. Q: What's the object of Jewish football?

A: To get the quarter back. Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two Jews fighting over a penny. Q: How is Christmas celebrated in Jewish homes?

A: They put parking meters on the roof. Q: Why did the Jews walk around the desert for forty years?

A: They heard that someone dropped a quarter. Q: What's Jewish doggy style?

A: You beg for half-an-hour and the princess rolls over and plays dead. Q: What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?

A: He breaks his nose. Q: What does a Jew do after one of his friends leaves?

A: He checks the sofa for loose change. Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?

A: "Is anything all right?" Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. Jewish telegram: "BEGIN WORRYING. DETAILS TO FOLLOW." Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, frown at the man with the Star of David, and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.

Soon the hat of the man with the cross is full and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest has been watching and approaches the two men. He shakes his head at the one with the star of David and says: "Young man, don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any money in this country holding a Star of David!"

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!"

Next Joke  Previous Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?

A: A fur coat. Hitler and Goering are arguing about the Jews. Goering says that they are very clever people, but Hitler denies it. Finally, Goering tells Hitler that he'll prove it's true if Hitler is prepared to disguise himself and come shopping with him. Hitler agrees, so they both disguise themselves and go into Berlin. Goering takes Hitler into a shop, goes up to the counter, and asks the German clerk: "Do you sell left-handed teacups?"

The clerk stares at Goering for a moment, then says, "No, mein Herr, we do not."

The two leave the shop and Hitler complains that he doesn't understand what Goering is doing. Goering tells him to be patient and takes him into another German shop, where Goering asks the clerk again: "Do you sell left-handed teacups?"

As before, the clerk stares at him and says: "No, mein Herr, we do not."

They leave again and now Goering takes Hitler into a Jewish shop. He goes up to the counter and asks the clerk: "Do you sell left-handed teacups?"

The clerk smiles politely, goes into the back room, makes a show of rummaging around, then brings out a saucer and teacup, sets the saucer down and carefully places the cup with the handle pointed so Goering can pick it with his left hand.

"There you are, mein Herr!" the clerk says.

Goering buys the teacup, thanks the clerk, and leaves the shop with Hitler. Once they're outside, he turns to Hitler and says: "See, I told you the Jews were very clever people!"

"I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snaps. "He just happened to have one in stock!"

Next Joke  Previous Q: Did you hear that the limbo was invented by the Jews?

A: Yeah, from sneaking into pay toilets. It's quiz time in the parochial school and Brother Michael offers fifty cents to the student who can name the greatest man who ever lived.

"Columbus," says Joey Rizzo.

"George Washington," says Mike Brown.

"Jesus of Nazareth," says Irving Feldman, whispering to a classmate, "I would've said Moses, but business is business."

Next Joke  Previous An old Jew is on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insists that his son, a famous surgeon, perform the operation. As he's about to receive the anesthesia, he asks to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" the son asks.

The old man motions him closer and whispers: "Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well and something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Next Joke  Previous A taxi driver is taking a Jew down a hill. Suddenly the driver screams, "The brakes are gone!" The Jew screams, "Stop the meter!" Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus? He comes down the chimney, wakes the children and says, "Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?" A Jew converts and becomes a priest. At the end of his first sermon another priest comes up and congratulates him. "Father Cohen," he says, "That was very well done, you were nearly perfect. Just one little thing. Next time, please don't start your sermon with 'Fellow goyim...' ". A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful!" says the mother. "What part is it?"

The boy says: "I play the part of a Jewish husband."

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!"

Next Joke  Previous A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are discussing what they do with donations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor and throws the money up in the air. Whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps for himself.

The priest does something very similar. He draws a circle and throws the money into the air, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps for himself.

The rabbi has a slightly different method. He doesn't draw a circle, he just throws all the money into the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps.

Next Joke  Previous Did you hear about the alligators in Florida with little Jews on their T-shirts? Abe walks into the local tavern and sees his friend Moishe sitting at the bar. He puts his hand to his heart and says: "Oy vey, Moishe! I'm so sorry to hear about your shop burning down."

Moishe shakes his head and whispers, "Shhh, not so loud. That's next week." A Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need security for the loan, so the Jew hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan and an employee drives it into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Jew returns and repays the $5,000 plus the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you're a millionaire many times over. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Jew replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

Next Joke  Previous This old Jew really wanted to win the lottery. So one week he goes to synagogue and he says, "Oy, Lord of Heaven and Earth, imagine how much good I could do with the money I would win if I won the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me win the lottery and I will spend the money wisely!"

But he doesn't win the lottery.

The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, Lord of Heaven and Earth, you must not have heard me last week! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with the money from the lottery! Help me win the lottery!"

Once again, he doesn't win.

The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in the same way. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the Heavens: "Help me, help me!"

He says, "Lord of Heaven and Earth, what can I do to help you?"

"Buy a ticket!"

Next Joke  Previous A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew are captured in the war and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Frenchman asks for a plate of filet mignon, eats it, and is taken away for execution. The Italian asks for a big plate of spaghetti, eats it, and is taken away for execution. The Jew asks for a plate of strawberries. The guards tell him strawberries are out of season.

"So I'll wait, already."

Next Joke  Previous A rabbi is driving down the street when he crashes into a car driven by a priest. Both cars are wrecked but amazingly neither driver is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest says, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our shared good fortune."

So he opens the bottle and hands it to the priest. The priest thanks him, takes a drink, and tries to give the bottle back. But the rabbi politely urges him to have another drink, so the priest takes another. Then he tries to give the bottle back again, but the rabbi shakes his head.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi says, "No, I'll just wait for the police."

Next Joke  Previous A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were talking one day. The priest tells of a time when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see shelter ten feet away.

The minister tells a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a hurricane struck. There were forty-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God and miraculously, while the storm continued all around, for ten feet in all directions the sea became calm and he was able to return safely to port.

The rabbi too has a story. One Saturday morning, on the way home from the synagogue, he saw a thick wad of $100 bills on the sidewalk. Of course, because it was the Jewish Sabbath, he wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to God and miraculously, for miles in every direction it was still the Sabbath, but for ten feet around him it was Sunday.

Next Joke  Previous Naomi Goldberg goes to Las Vegas for the first time ever and decides to play roulette. She asks someone at the table the best way to pick a number. He suggests putting her money on her age. So she puts two chips on the number 28. When the number 34 comes up, she faints. Three Jewish converts to Episcopalianism are drinking together in their country club, when they begin explaining their reasons for leaving Judaism.

"I converted out of love," the first one says. Seeing the dubious looks on his friends' faces, he adds, "Not for Christianity but for a Christian girl. As you know, my wife insisted that I convert."

"And I converted in order to succeed in law," the second one says. "I would never have been appointed a federal judge if I hadn't become an Episcopalian."

"I converted because I think the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism," the third one says.

"Hey, who are you trying to kid?" the other two ask indignantly. "What do you take us for — a couple of goyim?"

Next Joke  Previous Q: What's a Jewish pervert's favorite pick-up line?

A: "Hey little girl, wanna buy a piece of candy?" An old Jewish beggar is out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passes by and the beggar says to him, "Sir, could you spare three cents for a cup of coffee?"

The man says, "Where can you get coffee for three cents?"

The beggar says, "Who buys retail?"

Next Joke  Previous Q: Why do Jews like to watch porn movies in reverse?

A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. An old Jew is on his death bed and asks to be converted to Christianity. His family argue with him for hours, trying to persuade him to change his mind, but to no avail. In the end they call in the rabbi, who bends over the dying man and asks him why he wants to become a Christian. The old man whispers, "Because if someone has to die, let it be one of those bastards." A priest goes to a hairdressing salon and has a haircut, but when he asks how much he owes, the hairdresser says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The priest blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds twelve gold coins on his doorstep.

A week later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a shave and wax. When he asks how much he owes, the hairdresser says, "You don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The monk blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds twelve diamonds on his doorstep.

The following week a rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a hair-cut and a beard-trim. When he asks how much he owes, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace." The rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds twelve rabbis on his doorstep.

Next Joke  Previous Abe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and says, "This one is very special — it speaks English and Yiddish perfectly."

Abe is a little incredulous, so he asks the parrot: "Is it true you can speak Yiddish?"

The parrot shrugs and says, "With a nose like this, what do you think?"

Next Joke  Previous Q: Why were gentiles invented?

A: Somebody has to pay retail. Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.

Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." His mother agrees. The next day, Moishe brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Next Joke  Previous An Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half-an-hour."

The Jew says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

The Jew shrugs.

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

Next Joke  Previous Two Jews are on a business trip and are walking back to their hotel when they happen to pass a Catholic church. They see a big sign outside saying "CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $20".

Avram looks up and down the street, then turns to Shlomo and says, "Let's do it — no-one will know when we get back home and we'll each make $20."

"Okay," says Shlomo. "You go first."

So Avram strides purposefully into the church. He comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

"So," asks Shlomo eagerly, "did you get the $20?"

Avram looks up and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

Next Joke  Previous One day, Moshe is walking past the wooden fence at the side of the local Mental Care Home for Jewish People when he hears the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Moshe scratches his head and wonders, "Is there a barmitzvah or batmitzvah going on inside?"

So he searches for a hole in the fence and looks in. Immediately, someone inside the fence pokes him in the eye with their finger.

Then the chanting begins again.

"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Next Joke  Previous Little Henry is on the beach with his parents when he says to his mother, "Momma, can I go swimming in the sea?"

"No, honey," she replies, "the water is too deep and too rough for you."

"But poppa has just gone in," says Henry.

"I know, honey, but your poppa's insured."

Next Joke  Previous Abe is walking down the street one day when a very expensive new car draws up next to him. Who should be in it but his friend Isaac?

Abe asks Isaac, "Where did you get such a nice car?"

"My girlfriend Sarah gave it to me. "

"Mazeltov. I knew Sarah has been telling everyone that she's in love with you, but... to give you such a car?"

"Well, I'll admit it was very strange," says Isaac. "We were out driving in Sarah's car when she suddenly drove into a small covered area hidden from the road. She then got out the car, took off all her clothes and said to me, 'Isaac, take whatever you want.' So I thought for a moment... and took the car."

"Isaac," says Abe, "you made exactly the right decision. Her clothes would never have fitted you."

Next Joke  Previous During a math lesson at school, the teacher points to little Benny and asks, "Benny, what's three percent?"

Benny sits for a while shaking his head and then replies, "You're right, Miss. What's three percent?" Old Chaim is dying. His entire family is sitting around his bed, tearfully trying to ease his passing.

They ask him, "Poppa, is there anything you'd like to eat?"

The old man slowly shakes his head.

"Maybe something to drink?"

The old man slowly nods.

"Yes... I'd like... a cup of tea... with exactly two... spoonfuls of sugar."

"Exactly two?" they ask him.

"Yes, two... I've had a long life... and all of that time... when I drank tea in my own house... I used one spoon of sugar... When I had tea... in someone else's house... I had three spoons of sugar... But really... really... all my life... I only liked tea... with two spoonfuls of sugar."

Next Joke  Previous One afternoon, Morrie, a rich lawyer, is driving his Mercedes when he passes two scrawny men by the side of the road eating grass. Morrie quickly stops his car, backs up to the men, winds down his window and asks, "What on earth are you two doing?"

"We're starving, we have nowhere to live and we don't have any money to buy food," says one of them.

"You can come with me to my house, then," says Morrie.

"But I've got a wife and three kids just up the road."

"So we'll bring them along too," Morrie replies.

"And my friend?"

"Sure, he can come too."

"But, sir," says the friend, "I've got a wife and six children just up the road."

"Okay, no problem, so we'll bring them all," says Morrie. "Now get in my car, both of you."

Soon, everyone has been picked up.

They've been travelling for only a few minutes when one of the men says to Morrie, "God bless you. Thank you so much for taking all of us with you."

Morrie replies, "I'm happy to be able to do it. And you'll love my place — the grass is almost a foot high."

Next Joke  Previous Moshe goes into his local post office to buy some stamps. As he walks up to the counter, he sees a middle-aged Jew methodically sticking stamps onto a pile of pink envelopes. He's also sticking 'I Love You' heart-shaped stickers onto the envelopes. When he's finished, he takes out a bottle of French perfume and sprays all the envelopes with it.

Moshe has to find out why, so he goes up to the man and asks.

The man replies, "I'm sending out a hundred scented Valentine cards, each one signed, 'From you know who'."

"Why so many?" Moshe asks.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Next Joke  Previous Benny's dog has died and he goes to see his rabbi.

"Rabbi, I wonder whether you could find the time to say a special blessing at my dog's grave?"

The rabbi replies, "I'm afraid it isn't possible, Benny. In fact the rules don't really make any allowance for animals."

Benny says, "But I'm really upset, rabbi."

"So maybe you should go to see the Reform rabbi over the road," says the rabbi.

As Benny walks away dejectedly, he turns and says, "What a shame. I was willing to donate $1,000 for such a service."

So now the rabbi shouts, "Come back, come back."

Benny turns round and says, "I thought you couldn't help me."

"Ah," says the rabbi, "but you didn't tell me your dog was Orthodox."

Next Joke  Previous Moshe meets his friend in town.

"Hi Abe, how are things with you?"

"Could be better," replies Abe gloomily.

"So why the long face?" asks Moshe.

"Because I just found a full pay-packet in the gutter, that's why," answers Abe.

"Well, surely that's no reason to be miserable?" says Moshe.

"It is — you'll never believe the tax I've paid," replies Abe.

Next Joke  Previous The new postman is delivering a registered parcel and needs a signature so he rings the doorbell. Sadie sticks her head out of the bedroom window and says, "Nu, what is it?"

"I have a registered parcel for Mrs Levy," he replies.

"Is it wrapped in fancy gift paper or just plain brown paper?" Sadie asks.

"Ordinary brown paper, ma'am," he replies.

"So who is it from?" Sadie asks.

"It's from Cohen's department store, ma'am," he replies.

"Does it say from which branch?" Sadie asks.

"Yes, ma'am," he replies, "it's from the Jameson Street branch."

"Does it say what's in it?" Sadie asks.

"It says it's from their Writing Instruments department," he replies. "Will you now come down and sign for it, please."

"Sorry," replies Sadie, "I can't do that."

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because," Sadie replies, "I'm Sadie Green. Mrs Levy lives next door."

Next Joke  Previous Yossel the Hassidic Jew is in town on business. It's now one hour to shabbes and he's all dressed up in his special shabbes clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a stunning blonde with a face and figure he could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.

"Hello," she says to him.

"Hello to you too," he says.

"I have a confession to make," she says.

"What is it?" he asks.

"I have a sexual fantasy," she says.

"Nu, so go on," he says.

"I've always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then... shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?"

Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, "And what's in it for me?"

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